I am alone.
It doesn’t matter if I’m standing in a crowd of people, or just one or two. No one is really there, and I feel their absence like a heavy weight on my chest. It gets so hard to breathe through the smog of life, and every day it gets thicker. I feel blind sometimes, like I’m wandering through this world the way one does a dark tunnel; cautiously, feet stumbling, hands out stretched even though our body is literally cringing in fear of just what we may touch.
And then you come back into my life.
Your presence fills the holes and the crevices of my life like sun warmed sand, and suddenly I can breathe again. The confusion that has become my constant companion fades and I can see. You are strong, and I feel strong next to you.
It doesn’t matter what I have lost in the journey to get here. All that matters is that I am here, and so are you.
I thought I had lost you forever in my stupidity, and maybe you felt the same.
But to know that what we had in a time that seemed so long ago is still alive, is like a flame yet hidden and small until suddenly it explodes and the heat is almost painful, is more than I thought I’d ever know again.
I hear your voice, and it takes me home.
I didn’t know I missed that until now. I feel it like a rope pulling at my chest. Like you have grasped my heart with your hand and you are pulling me to you.
I want to be near you.
I hate that you are so far away.
I just want to give you everything I have, everything I ever had to give; I want to give to you.
I’d texted Leo after promising myself I wouldnt. Part of me had wanted to never talk to him again, never run the risk of tarnishing the memories of the most amazing day of my life. I wanted to cry, and my damn nose wouldnt stop running and I didnt know how long you were allowed to sit in starbucks and I knew I was going to have to let Leo go.
Everything was crashing down on me at once. I didnt know fi I could handle it all, whats more was I didnt know if I wanted to. Maybe I would be better off if it all overwhelmed me and I just broke. It had been a long time since I’d allowed myself to break completely; maybe it was time. I could feel the tears start to build when Leo’s text popped up on my phone.
“I havent felt sad like this in a long time; forgot what it feels like….crazy.”
I was sad too. So sad it hurt, and I didn’t know why. It’s not like there was a judge and jury demanding I never see him again, its not like he and I were too far part or too different. It was just that what had transpired between the two of us had been beyond anything we’d ever feel together again, and we both knew it.
I don’t know where I stand in this battle I already seem to have lost.
I have cried while you slept…felt my tears run down your back and between my lips as I kissed your skin. If I could hold onto the nights I’ve spent with you for the rest of my life I would cling to them with all the strength of a drowning person.
Sometimes when I think back on the decision I made to make this memory with you its almost as if I signed away my soul. I regret it more than I could have ever known; and I love you more than I ever could have hoped.
Sometimes I watch you and wonder how I could let you walk away. How I could be okay when you’re gone.
I’m terrified to think of my life without you in it.
And that’s all that’s on my mind.
I know you can see it, and I know it hurts you. I’m doing all I can to be all right…but I don’t know how to accept that you’ve accepted the inevitability of our demise. I’ve always fought for what I loved; I’ve never had to sit and watch it walk away. I know that I agreed to let you do this, I know that I agreed to have nothing more than a handful of weeks and mornings waking up with you beside me. I know that every night you and I spend together is one more bucket of water to douse the flame.
What I don’t know is how I was so blind as to think that it would be easy, to think that it was something I could do.
Sometimes you feel it too, the dull ache in the pit of your stomach when you think of how its going to be. It’s in your eyes… in your smile as you take my hand and pull me into your arms. When I find myself thinking that you couldn’t possibly know what I’m feeling in that moment of realization that you will very soon be nothing more than a bitter memory I can barely choke down, you show me that you do. You show me that your heart is hurting too; and mine breaks just a little bit more.
I have been awake fighting battles inside my head, and watched you sleep. I have lain beside you, hand over your beating heart and felt you breathe. Your words have filled my world and made it new and exciting. And I have let you become something I don’t think I can live without.
Last night I was resolved to walk away before you had the chance to leave me behind. Last night I said goodbye while you held me close and ignored the desperation in my voice. You never seem to believe me when I say I have to go…when I say I have to let you fade into what you should have always been; the memory of one perfect weekend, the memory of falling in love with a stranger. Last night I realized that we were foolish to have ever let this happen. Last night it was all so clear.
We were never meant to be more than that day at Ocean beach. Two people who barely knew each others names with no intention of ever crossing paths again. I told you that day that I didn’t want to see you ever again. And I meant it.
How was I to know that you wouldn’t let me disappear.
I don’t know where I stand in this battle I’ll never win.
I have cried to you, tears of desperation and fear. I have done all but ask you to reconsider your choice.
I’m afraid to hear you say no.
Maybe that’s because until the day you walk out of my life, I will hold on to the hope that you will change your mind, and see that this isn’t something you should give up on.
That I’m not something you should give up on.
When all of this has come to pass, and the biting sting in my chest has faded to a dull throbbing ache, I will think back on you. I will remember that I loved you, I will remember that you were mine.
I will be able to drive the coast and not feel the burn of tears beneath my eyelids as I picture you sitting next to me, saying my name with a smile on your face. Some summer, years from now, I will be able to remember you with more than anger and regret. You will be a distant time in a life I used to know. And that will be okay.
“When this summer ends and years go by, you can still call me babe.”
Have you ever…..had a moment frozen in your mind? Not just a time and place, but a feeling…a hope…a dream. I have. I see myself, fingers poised above the ivory keys, ready at any moment to fill the silence with the sweet reverberating sound of music. I’m scared that I will never live that memory again. I’m scared it will forever be a ghost imprinted to my mind.
I’m awake…three hours after you have passed out.
I hear you breathe…and I dont know what I feel. I dont know if its sadness…or regret. Maybe its anger.
You don’t appreciate the world the way I do, you see it through different eyes; eyes cloudy and milky in an alcohol induced haze. I hate you for that. I am torn between the urge to love you, and the desire to love myself; and the pain of not knowing who means more to me is almost unbearable.
I know you sense this, this detaching from our life and I try to hide it from you.
I know its futile.
“I feel our relationship ended because you don’t listen to me or anyone around you, and I laugh because we would still be together if you did.
I laugh because you had the whole world at your fingers, and now you’re nothing but a whore.
You’re not the person I fell in love with, and you’re not a person I want to be friends with.”
…its a sad day when the one person you thought would always be there in the end grew up before you did, and sees you for all the faults you thought you hid so well. Its a scary world to live in when all your love is gone and there is no one but yourself to save you. Scarier still, is the realization that part of you still clings to the hope that this, like everything else will come to pass. When do you wake up to the knowledge that it already has? …and this is the reality you will spend the rest of your life living. When do you wake up and feel okay with the life you have resigned yourself to.
When do the mistakes stop happening.
When do you stop searching for a way to make it right, to make that person understand why you are who you are; someone they can no longer find the will to love.
Or does that never end.
I hate to think that you will love someone the way you should have loved me.
Is that wrong?
I hate to think that you will lie awake next to her in the bed that was once ours, and be content. I hate her, for not having to feel what I did near the end, almost every day the last days of us.
I hate her, because I know you. And I know you will not have picked someone who will care, who will see what is wrong for you, and try to keep you from it. I hate her for not being me.
I hate you for killing what should have lasted so much longer, and so much better than you ever gave it a chance to. I hate that you didn’t care how much I cared.
I want to not remember the times we had that made me want to be with you. I want to sit here and cry because I stayed, not because I left. I get through the days by telling myself that you couldnt have loved me, not with the things you did to me, the way you lied. You couldn’t have.
Yet I know you did. In your own twisted way. And thats what I hate most. I could have followed you anywhere, and all you did was drag me down.
It hurts me more than you will ever know, to be sitting here waiting for the storm that I can’t help but know is coming. I know what you will tell people, and it will soil whatever good there was about us. But that’s you. I tried to so hard, for so many days to keep you golden, but the things you did and the lies you really seemed to believe came down like rain and kept tarnishing until all that was left was a dirty green copper. And even still, I find that I’m clutching to you with all the fear and pain of a drowning person. I hurt in ways I never imagined you would make me feel.
When I met you, I thought I had found someone who would understand what it was to be hurt, someone who would do right. And I held to that belief far longer than I ever should have.
Because I still believe it today.
I am a stupid person by nature. I live by faith. And I never lost mine in you. Even when I was left crying in the snow, with you hating me on the other side of the door; even when I was home at four in the morning feeling sick to my stomach because I knew what you were doing. Even when I was crying on the floor listening to you tell me how you hated me, even when I hurt from your hands. I knew you loved me. And I held to that.
Now I have to hate her.
Because when I finally got the courage to leave you and that faith behind, you replaced me.
I hate to think that you will love someone the way you should have loved me. Is that wrong?
I don’t know if you will ever feel what I feel when you think about me. Do you have flash backs every day? Do you see yourself with me, and the places we went, the music we listened to, the days we stayed in bed and held each other from night to dawn, to night again?
Or do you lie down with her, and forget me completely?
I loved you.
I still love you.
And that will never be good enough for either of us. And I hate you, and I hate her, and I hate me for all of it.
You will never know what it was like to wake up in the morning, and wonder who you were waking up with. Would it be the person you loved today? Or would they be distant and cold, unfeeling and cruel. To live a life that is in a constant state of turmoil and change is to live no life at all, and somewhere along the way I gave up who I was to love who you had become. I let it swallow me whole, and for that I will hate you and myself for the rest of my life.
You will never know what it was like to be afraid of who I loved. To feel a flighty nervous wave of fear hit my body every time you raised your voice, every time I saw the spark of anger in the eyes I used to think were beautiful. That fear grew into something dark as the time went by and the fights got worse. It became a strain of hatred that would at a moment’s notice return to love, if only you would love me back.
I used to live for you. I breathe for you.
You were in almost every waking thought, and you were center stage every dream.
Now I refuse to know you exist.
And you will never know how much that hurts.
What do I say, what is left to be heard after all the tears I have cried, and all the things I have begged of you. What love is left to live when you gave it up to die?
I heard today you talk about me. Is it wrong I’m happy you still know I’m alive? Is it wrong I’m happy that maybe you feel the loss of me?
Do you feel loss when you think back on me in your life?
I can’t believe I’m the only one that hurts. I can’t remember you and the way it felt to be with you, to hear your voice in my ear at night, to feel your arms around me as we lay in bed silent with sleep, and not think that you have to miss me.
I’m too scared to find out the truth is I’m wrong to ever have the guts to ask.
So I sit and I live. And I pretend that I never loved you.
I pretend that I never lost you.
And maybe someday I’ll believe.
I’m pretending like this doesn’t hurt. Like the way your voice holds no warmth, no comfort doesn’t affect me. I pretend to feel no pain.
I get tired of this game, I get tired of the lies. No matter how I try and twist it to be ok, it never feels the same.
I’m sitting in the dark of the closet, my knees drawn to my chest, my eyes squeezed shut against the tears I can’t seem to find the strength to fight. It’s over, isn’t it?
I could draw this out as long as I want, and that wouldn’t change.
I try to keep the agony that is ripping through my body quiet and muffled, but I don’t think anyone could hear it anyway, no one ever does. You lie. You lie to me, and I accept it. Sometimes I even convince myself that I believe. I don’t know why I choose to be let down, why I choose to be hurt.
I could say that I love you, and let that explain it all away, but I don’t think that will work, not this time, not today. Today I’ve accepted things that I can’t bring myself to believe, today I understand.
It feels like you’ve died. What hurts the most about that is the fact that you’re still alive, you’re only dead to me. And I’m the one that loves you, I’m the one that will be there when everyone else has left.
I’m so tired of this game.
If I could sleep I would, if I could make this go away and wake to what I had before, I would; even if that would mean erasing you.
I’m so sick of pretending. I just want it to be real.
How many times have I been on this road, how well has its corners and hills been etched into my mind? The only thing that has changed since the nights I walked it is that he is no longer waiting at the top for me to come. I know this is true, even if I sometimes pretend its not. I sat outside his window, not too long ago. I could have thrown rocks, could have waited all night, and he never would have met me.
Nothing is ever going to be the same. I accept this the same that I accept death, by pretending it doesnt exist.
“Are you angry?” he asks softly. I want to say yes, I want to scream at him until this pressure in my chest is gone.
“No.” I say finally. He waits for me to elaborate but I don’t feel the need to expand upon my twisted emotions.
“Disappointed?” his voice is even softer, as if possibly he does feel bad for hurting me, as if maybe this time he understands what he has done wrong and is remorseful.
“Yes.” damn my stupid emotions, that one word already let loose the bit of tears that were lurking behind my will to be strong; maybe he didn’t notice.
“I’m sorry. I was really busy and I forgot; I told you how hectic my schedule is here, it really just slipped my mind.” I want to ask if that means he didn’t think about me once today, if the fact that it never even crossed his mind means that neither did I. But I don’t, I don’t need him to think I’m so needy I need such reassurances; or maybe I’m afraid he’ll tell me that’s exactly what he means.
“Ok.” God what is with me and my one word responses? I can’t seem to force anything other than the necessary out. Maybe that’s a good thing though, this way I can’t say anything to make myself sound pathetic.
“I still remember the first day I saw you,” he says, and immediately any anger that may have lingered within me is gone, along with the resolution to once and for all end this torment. He remembers, I think, that has to be proof that he loves me. I lean back against the couch and draw my knees up to my chest.
“Tell me about that day,” I reply, wondering what day he is thinking of, because I know it can’t be the real day, he didn’t even know who I was, barely noticed me at all.